So it’s been a while.
To say we've been going crazy would be an understatement. And quite honestly, I’m not even sure where
to start.
We've managed to toast our last laptop, celebrated Greg’s birthday, laid new flooring in
house, traveled to Wisconsin for great grandma’s memorial service, went
strawberry picking, in the process of saying goodbye to some great neighbors
that lived next door (luckily they are only moving a few minutes away!!!),
thrilled to have our new community minister move in just one block over, found a replacement laptop, wrapping up another year of school and SURVIVING the month of May.
This past May will go down the most difficult month in my
life to date. It started out on May 1st
finding out that we had lost a pregnancy.
The pain of the loss cannot be wrapped up in words. It’s incomparable. Greg and I sunk to a very depressed state and
really struggled dealing with the loss.
We were at the end of the first trimester and were about to tell the
girls and friends and family. We had
started to dream about life as a family of five. Thinking of names. How we would tell the girls. Just a whole new life from what we knew. Then the appointment.
I had no signs anything was wrong. Nothing.
Then during an ultrasound the Nurse went from chatty-chatty to complete
silence. Then I heard some sighs. My heart sunk. I knew before she said another word exactly
what she was going to say. There was no
visible cardiac activity. To be sure,
she sent me to have an additional ultrasound with a more high tech
machine. At this point, I had completely
lost it. I called Greg to come meet me
as soon as he could. He left work and
sat with me as we waited about an hour and a half to get in. The hardest part in waiting was seeing a mom I
knew from my MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group walk out after having her 20
week ultrasound- she was smiling, hugging her husband, in complete joy to find
out that their baby is perfectly healthy.
I’m so elated for them that their pregnancy is going so well. I just never thought I’d be in the position I
was in. Never thought I’d be part of
THIS statistic. Never thought I could
have so much pain in my heart from the loss of a child I never met.
We walked into the next ultrasound and knew the probable
outcome. But continued to pray. Hoping it was all a mistake in the
appointment. Maybe there was interference with the machine. Maybe the baby was positioned funny. Maybe, just maybe.
It was silent. After some time I decided I would just ask “what
are you able to see?” Well, she saw
everything but any cardiac activity. It
was confirmed. The baby we loved before
we even knew them, had died.
At this point my body had not shown any signs of
miscarriage, so we decided to wait to see if it would react on its own
naturally.
The next couple of weeks were difficult to say the
least. Every thought would somehow lead
to the fact that I had miscarried. Every
pregnant woman would stick out of any crowd, every baby’s cry would pierce my
own heart, pictures, commercials, fliers, magazines…. EVERYTHING seemed to have highlighted the new
condition that I found myself in. I
never blamed myself. Never was mad at
God. I was just so, so sad that the plans for this child’s life, the dreams and
the hopes we had would never come to be.
At least here on Earth. Both Greg
and I find incredible hope and encouragement in knowing that one day we will meet
this child. This baby is undoubtedly in
the arms of great grandma. She went
before this child, and knowing her love for her great grandchildren, we have no
doubts that she is holding our baby and rocking them peacefully. Our friend said some the most comforting
words at this time- “Find comfort in knowing that this child knew your love and
the love of Christ their whole life. Never
suffered, never felt pain from this world.”
And that is what got us through the hardest of times. That and some amazing friends who brought
meals, sent cards, prayed for us and gave us a hug when we needed it most.
In this time, Ashland had developed some sort of nastiness. Although, we had no idea what was
going on with her. One morning she
complained about her ears, but she wasn’t running a fever, so I sent her to
school. When I picked her up her
teachers had said that she really declined the last 20 minutes and was feeling
warm. So I thought, ok, I have time to
run her to the clinic and get an antibiotic for what I assumed was an ear
infection. Well during vitals I saw that
we were obviously dealing with more than just an ear infection. Her oxygen levels were 87 and below. This was a beast. They then took us back to the room. After checking her ears and seeing that she
had a double ear infection, she listened to her chest. She didn't hear any wheezing, but wanted to do
a chest x-ray because of the low O2 levels.
Ok. Did that, came back and the
doctor swings in quickly and says that her left lung is filled. She has pneumonia. WHAT?!?!?!?!
How the heck did I miss this? We
tried a few treatments in the office to see if it would improve her levels enough
to go home. In true Ashland style, those
O2 levels didn't budge. Crap. At this point, I knew there was no way I was
going to make it to get Kaylen from school.
Luckily, I have an amazing friend who more or less adopted Kaylen for a
few days for me! She planned to get
Kaylen. I was getting ready to take
Ashland to the Children’s hospital.
Derailed. They wouldn't let ME
take her. They insisted she had to go by
ambulance. Seriously. A bit dramatic. This threw Ashland into a fit that only made
her condition worse. Fantastic. After waiting almost an HOUR for the
ambulance for the ten minute ride, she had continued to get worse. One plus side of the ambulance drama, is that
we went straight into a room at the ER and had priority status. Not that that rushes anything. Trust me.
We waited nearly 7 hours after finalizing that they were going to have
to admit her to get into a room. From
there they kept her on oxygen and meds.
We stayed a total of three days there.
The doctors and nurses were outstanding!
And the Child Life Specialists there deserve probably much more than
what they earn. She is thriving now and
luckily only had a couple rough days after at home.
At this point, my body still hadn’t shown one sign of responding to the
miscarriage. So I knew I was going to
have to have THE procedure. That by no
means went smoothly and was much harder emotionally, mentally and physically
than I had ever thought. It was a long
day, several complications, lots and lots of tears. But, in a weird way there was some odd sense
of closure. Not completely, but to some
degree.
The very next day,
Kaylen was sent home with a high fever and stomach issues. She was having stomach pains and running
fevers all evening/night. Luckily,
whatever it was ran its course and stayed contained.
Memorial Day weekend
was somber. Lots to process. Then
Monday morning came. And it came in with
a roar.
I woke in some of the worst pain I can say I've ever
experienced. I knew something was
wrong. Greg woke the girls at 4:30 and
we rushed to the ER. In a cruel coincidence
my body decided it would be a great time to try to rid of a few kidney
stones. Yes, seriously. Pain meds were loaded into me and I slept
through pretty much all of Memorial Day.
Fantastic. Not.
So, as you can see, it was THE worst month of my life. We are excited now though to welcome in
June! God is good. He has brought us through this dark time and
we know His promises for us are rich.
This is a song that we've heard a couple of times at church in May and for us, there is so much truth that we grasped onto during this trying time. It's worth a listen. So good. Clicking on the link below "Never Once by Matt Redman" will take you to the YOUTUBE video.
We have been busy day in and day out just being. And just enjoying the lazy days of
summer. No rushing out the door, no
making lunches before the sun comes up, casually working on summer workbooks,
reading in the middle of the day, spontaneous plans- life is good in the
summer!
We traveled down to Corpus Christi in June and experienced
the gulf. And lots and lots of
jellyfish. Gross. It was a great getaway. Not sure that we are totally “beach”
people. We kept finding ourselves at the
hotel pool. I’m pretty sure we still have
sand in the car….it never goes away. 
Earlier this month we visited a friend’s ranch. Now folks, let me tell you…there is no place
that we've been here in Texas quite like this ranch. It’s beautiful-incredible house, serene pond,
rolling hills, peaceful and perhaps best of all, no cell reception. Our little family had such a fantastic time playing,
laughing, quiet time with God, fishing, swimming, swapping stories, fireworks,
cooking out, rides on the tractors, pulling fish hooks out of dogs, oh wait
that was just ours. But it was just what
the doctor ordered. 
