Never once did we ever walk alone...

So it’s been a while.  To say we've been going crazy would be an understatement.  And quite honestly, I’m not even sure where to start. 

We've managed to toast our last laptop, celebrated Greg’s birthday, laid new flooring in house, traveled to Wisconsin for great grandma’s memorial service, went strawberry picking, in the process of saying goodbye to some great neighbors that lived next door (luckily they are only moving a few minutes away!!!), thrilled to have our new community minister move in just one block over, found a replacement laptop, wrapping up another year of school and SURVIVING the month of May. 

This past May will go down the most difficult month in my life to date.  It started out on May 1^st finding out that we had lost a pregnancy.  The pain of the loss cannot be wrapped up in words.  It’s incomparable.  Greg and I sunk to a very depressed state and really struggled dealing with the loss.  We were at the end of the first trimester and were about to tell the girls and friends and family.  We had started to dream about life as a family of five.  Thinking of names.  How we would tell the girls.  Just a whole new life from what we knew.  Then the appointment. 

  I had no signs anything was wrong.  Nothing.  Then during an ultrasound the Nurse went from chatty-chatty to complete silence.  Then I heard some sighs.  My heart sunk.  I knew before she said another word exactly what she was going to say.  There was no visible cardiac activity.  To be sure, she sent me to have an additional ultrasound with a more high tech machine.  At this point, I had completely lost it.  I called Greg to come meet me as soon as he could.  He left work and sat with me as we waited about an hour and a half to get in.  The hardest part in waiting was seeing a mom I knew from my MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group walk out after having her 20 week ultrasound- she was smiling, hugging her husband, in complete joy to find out that their baby is perfectly healthy.  I’m so elated for them that their pregnancy is going so well.  I just never thought I’d be in the position I was in.  Never thought I’d be part of THIS statistic.  Never thought I could have so much pain in my heart from the loss of a child I never met.

We walked into the next ultrasound and knew the probable outcome.  But continued to pray.  Hoping it was all a mistake in the appointment. Maybe there was interference with the machine.  Maybe the baby was positioned funny.  Maybe, just maybe.

 It was silent.  After some time I decided I would just ask “what are you able to see?”  Well, she saw everything but any cardiac activity.  It was confirmed.  The baby we loved before we even knew them, had died. 

At this point my body had not shown any signs of miscarriage, so we decided to wait to see if it would react on its own naturally. 

The next couple of weeks were difficult to say the least.  Every thought would somehow lead to the fact that I had miscarried.  Every pregnant woman would stick out of any crowd, every baby’s cry would pierce my own heart, pictures, commercials, fliers, magazines….  EVERYTHING seemed to have highlighted the new condition that I found myself in.  I never blamed myself.  Never was mad at God. I was just so, so sad that the plans for this child’s life, the dreams and the hopes we had would never come to be.  At least here on Earth.  Both Greg and I find incredible hope and encouragement in knowing that one day we will meet this child.  This baby is undoubtedly in the arms of great grandma.  She went before this child, and knowing her love for her great grandchildren, we have no doubts that she is holding our baby and rocking them peacefully.  Our friend said some the most comforting words at this time- “Find comfort in knowing that this child knew your love and the love of Christ their whole life.  Never suffered, never felt pain from this world.”  And that is what got us through the hardest of times.  That and some amazing friends who brought meals, sent cards, prayed for us and gave us a hug when we needed it most. 

In this time, Ashland had developed some sort of nastiness.  Although, we had no idea what was going on with her.  One morning she complained about her ears, but she wasn’t running a fever, so I sent her to school.  When I picked her up her teachers had said that she really declined the last 20 minutes and was feeling warm.  So I thought, ok, I have time to run her to the clinic and get an antibiotic for what I assumed was an ear infection.  Well during vitals I saw that we were obviously dealing with more than just an ear infection.  Her oxygen levels were 87 and below.  This was a beast.  They then took us back to the room.  After checking her ears and seeing that she had a double ear infection, she listened to her chest.  She didn't hear any wheezing, but wanted to do a chest x-ray because of the low O2 levels.  Ok.  Did that, came back and the doctor swings in quickly and says that her left lung is filled.  She has pneumonia.  WHAT?!?!?!?!  How the heck did I miss this?  We tried a few treatments in the office to see if it would improve her levels enough to go home.  In true Ashland style, those O2 levels didn't budge.  Crap.  At this point, I knew there was no way I was going to make it to get Kaylen from school.  Luckily, I have an amazing friend who more or less adopted Kaylen for a few days for me!  She planned to get Kaylen.  I was getting ready to take Ashland to the Children’s hospital.  Derailed.  They wouldn't let ME take her.  They insisted she had to go by ambulance.  Seriously.  A bit dramatic.  This threw Ashland into a fit that only made her condition worse.  Fantastic.  After waiting almost an HOUR for the ambulance for the ten minute ride, she had continued to get worse.  One plus side of the ambulance drama, is that we went straight into a room at the ER and had priority status.  Not that that rushes anything.  Trust me.  We waited nearly 7 hours after finalizing that they were going to have to admit her to get into a room.  From there they kept her on oxygen and meds.  We stayed a total of three days there.  The doctors and nurses were outstanding!  And the Child Life Specialists there deserve probably much more than what they earn.  She is thriving now and luckily only had a couple rough days after at home. 

At this point, my body still hadn’t shown one sign of responding to the miscarriage.  So I knew I was going to have to have THE procedure.  That by no means went smoothly and was much harder emotionally, mentally and physically than I had ever thought.  It was a long day, several complications, lots and lots of tears.  But, in a weird way there was some odd sense of closure.  Not completely, but to some degree. 

 The very next day, Kaylen was sent home with a high fever and stomach issues.  She was having stomach pains and running fevers all evening/night.  Luckily, whatever it was ran its course and stayed contained. 

 Memorial Day weekend was somber.  Lots to process.   Then Monday morning came.  And it came in with a roar.

I woke in some of the worst pain I can say I've ever experienced.  I knew something was wrong.  Greg woke the girls at 4:30 and we rushed to the ER.  In a cruel coincidence my body decided it would be a great time to try to rid of a few kidney stones.  Yes, seriously.  Pain meds were loaded into me and I slept through pretty much all of Memorial Day.  Fantastic.  Not.

So, as you can see, it was THE worst month of my life.  We are excited now though to welcome in June!  God is good.  He has brought us through this dark time and we know His promises for us are rich. 

 This is a song that we've heard a couple of times at church in May and for us, there is so much truth that we grasped onto during this trying time.  It's worth a listen.  So good. Clicking on the link below "Never Once by Matt Redman" will take you to the YOUTUBE video.  

Never Once by Matt Redman